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Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeahman, at the
dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to second base!")?
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to

Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to
describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages
in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and
standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly revised guide to
the bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing
and sometimes not.
--Second Base- This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.
--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was,
EVERYONE knew!

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a
repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new
factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy)? And what
about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado...

The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases

--On Deck- Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out- Duh!!
--Walk- Kissing
--Bunt- Masturbation
--Single- Tongue kissing
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing
and feels
--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation
--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
--Home Run- SEX!!!
--Ground Rule Double- Would have sex, but no condom
--Error- Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling- Sex without condom
--Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher- Vibrator
--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
--Dead Ball- Blue balls / passion cramps
--Florida Snow- Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.)
--Rookie- Virgin
--Minor Leagues- Under 18
--Loaded Bases- Manage a trois
--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip- Venereal Disease
--Three up and three down- impotency
--"All you"- Make the first move
--Batting Glove - sexual aide
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the
old confusion with our current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past
third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home
run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked
during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
pitcher.